Thursday, August 7, 2014

Overcoming Rejection

"Are you okay?" Jake asked me several times in varying ways within about 15 minutes. The truth was I had felt rejected, but I knew it was probably just me overreacting. I don't feel like I have had a handle on my emotions like I normally do, so I figured I should just say, "Yeah, I'm fine" and then try and get a handle on it. I have a hard time burying my emotions or pretending they don't exist, really I just can't do those things. If I feel rejected or upset I want to discuss it, but don't always know how to get the process started. Yes, we've been married nearly 10 years and even though I know he can't read my mind, I kinda want him to occasionally, but expecting him to just leads to more frustration, uh duh. 

I felt like I was going to cry so to keep the tears in I went out in the front yard. As I looked at some tender young plants to see how they were fairing, it suddenly dawned on me as I stood there in the yard. Actually I wouldn't have reached the coming conclusion by myself. I'm too dense, lol. I needed a little whisper of a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. "Look around. You are surrounded by things your husband has done for you, just you, because he loves you. These are not projects he did for himself, but you." It softened my heart and a realized as I looked around the yard it was true! How could I be mad or doubt for one second this mans' love for me?! It's evident that anyone willing to spend so much time doing things for someone else's projects that they don't want done for themselves must really love that :) 

It started with the chicken coop, when the heavy wood crate it was started from was loaded in our truck at my parents house and taken home. To the chain link fence now surrounding the coop. A solution he came up with himself after the coop pen (which he made) was broken into by dogs on several occasions and which he fixed each time until this solution was come to and is now dog proof. Ha! Take that stupid neighbor dogs! To the countless times he has asked me " have you fed the chickens today?" and the countless times I have answered back "no" and he then feeds them without out whining or fuss. Chickens he doesn't even really want, he just knows I want them. 

Then there's the chairs on the porch. I told him I wanted nice chairs to put on the porch for Mother's day. It was one of the ideas I threw out, the others had to do with photography...go figure. He took the sad but neat metal chairs already there and spent several hours sanding them down and painting them as well as bought cute outdoor cushions for them. I am glad he chose this gift to give because I have enjoyed the hours spent on the porch with him in the evenings. 

I bought 6 plants and asked him to dig holes and plant them for me, cause I was feeling huge and preggers and not up to digging holes and sitting on the ground trying to plant them. It'll take 15 minutes she said. Nope! More like 45 minutes or more. He did it and now they are all doing well minus one which promptly died the next day. Pssh! I didn't want you anyway cilantro! 

What the heck are the straw bales all about?! Well, one is for the chicken hutch, the other four were for trying out straw bale gardening which would have happened if my body hadn't decided to flip out and have a baby 4 weeks early. He went and bought them and brought them home; another thing I couldn't do. Yeah he wouldn't mind having a garden, but he knows it's what I wanted. His ideal garden is one made up solely of corn, lol. You don't need straw bales for that. 

Last, but not least is the wood pathway, a project also interrupted by baby coming early. The pathway that was there was made of brick but was really narrow and bland. I asked him to cut down some dead trees on the property and make this pathway which he started and is going to look fantastic when done. 

I had stepped outside to calm down and when he joined me a few minutes later he finally pushed me to tell him what was bothering me and all was well in just a few short minutes. Clearly I'm not great at hiding my feelings and he knows sometimes I need to be pushed a little to start talking.  When I let it out I kept telling him, "I'm sorry your wife is a hormonal mess." He kept saying stuff like, "It's okay to be a little crazy. You just had a baby" and other loving and encouraging words. At the time, the idea of being surrounded by his apparent love for me was just enough for me to take my craziness down a few notches. To know if we didn't end up talking about it, I would be okay not saying anything because how can I doubt his love? I can't! It's everywhere I look. As I have taken time to ponder this lesson, I am truly grateful for it. I know we are constantly surrounded by Gods obvious love for us. This world is beautiful, but does it have to be? No, I am sure it would still serve the same purpose if it were dull looking, but He made it beautiful and diverse for our enjoyment and as a manifestation of His love for us. How often am I so caught up in me that I stop seeing His love all around me. From this beautiful world to a body that recovered from HELLP syndrome, priesthood blessings that have given so much comfort and guidance, to healthy happy kids, to little things, if I look around me I can't help but see a continuous onslaught of His love for me. It got me wondering, if my husband were to look around our house, would he see manifestations of my love for him? This question applies to everyone we love. I am humbled by my husbands love for me, and wanted to write this to show him I am grateful for him, to say I am sorry I take you for granted at times and just want more and more from you and don't always take the time to show you my love. You are amazing and I am grateful I have you by my side for the the rest of forever.

 I don't want my loved ones to have to look hard and really think about the ways I show them my love, I want it to be in their face obvious, undeniable really and if they do some how not see it, it should be obvious enough that gently pointing it out is enough to bring them around. Serving others, putting others needs first, is one of the best ways to show our love. 
At times when I feel pushed or away or rejected for whatever reason valid or not (the workings of a crazy hormonal mind) I want to be calmed down and reeled back in by just taking a second to breathe and look around at manifestations of love which rekindle an attitude of gratitude and love which is undeniably key to happiness. Yeah that's a crazy run on sentence, but who knows how much time I have before I am summoned by the cries of my wee one.

Scatter sunshine friends!



  1. That was really well said. I do the same thing with James, and then I realize that he does so much just for me. I am glad you are doing well and recovering. And having a baby is the best excuse for being hormonal! Thanks for the reminder to be grateful.

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